Choosing a Sex Therapist? Red Flags & Tips to Find Your Match

This is important work—finding the right guide.

The difference between a good fit and just... competent can change everything. It's a search that often stirs up vulnerability right alongside hope. When you imagine talking about your most tender places, what feels essential in the person sitting across from you? What would make you feel safe enough to finally exhale?

It's a big decision, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed. So let's not try to swallow it whole.

Let's break this down, piece by piece.

Sex Therapist vs. Sex Coach: What's the Difference?

First, let's clear up the big distinction between a sex therapist and a sex coach. They can both be brilliant, but they serve different needs.

• Sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who can diagnose and treat sexual dysfunction. They're trained in psychology, they can often bill insurance, and they work within a medical model. Think deeper psychological issues, trauma, and persistent relationship patterns.
• Sex coaches focus more on goals and skills. They're like personal trainers for your sex life—helping you communicate better, explore pleasure, and build confidence. The work is usually more hands-on, experiential, and often has more flexible scheduling.

The question is what you need right now. Are you dealing with something that feels clinical—like trauma, anxiety, or depression that's deeply affecting your sex life? Or are you more in the realm of, "I want to learn, grow, communicate better, and explore"?

What feels most true for your situation?

In-Person vs. Online: Does It Really Matter?

Both work. Really well, actually.

The research shows that for most people, online therapy—including sex therapy and coaching—is just as effective as in-person. You can build the same level of trust, get the same outcomes, and feel just as satisfied with the process.

The real question is about your comfort level. Some people need to see a therapist's full presence to feel safe and trusting. Others actually feel more open behind a screen—it can feel less exposed, making it easier to share.

Think about how you connect best. What feels right for your nervous system?

How to Find a Sex Therapist (And What to Look For)

If you've decided on in-person therapy, the search can feel a little daunting. Here's where to start and what to prioritize.

A great first stop for those in the US is the AASECT Therapist Locator at aasect.org. This is the gold standard. AASECT certifies sex therapists who have met rigorous training requirements.

When you're vetting potential therapists, here are the critical factors:

1. Credentials First. AASECT certification means they've done 150+ hours of specific sex therapy training plus supervised clinical work. It's not just someone who "took a weekend workshop on sexuality." You want a specialist.
2. Specialization Matters. Ask what percentage of their practice is actually sex therapy. Is it their main focus, or just a side offering? You want someone who lives in this world.
3. Your Specific Needs. Do you need someone who is trauma-informed? LGBTQ+ affirming? Kink-aware? An expert in couples work? Don't be afraid to ask directly about their experience with your specific concerns.
4. The Chemistry Check. Most good therapists offer a brief, free phone consultation. This is your moment to trust your gut. Do they sound curious rather than coldly clinical? Are they comfortable if you use explicit language? Do you feel seen, not judged?

The practical stuff—insurance, scheduling, fees—is important, but it comes after you find a good human fit.

What About Outside the US?

AASECT is primarily US-focused, but there are equivalent organizations globally.

• UK: College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk)
• Europe: Many countries have their own national associations, like the NVVS in the Netherlands or the DGS in Germany.
• International: The World Association for Sexual Health (WAS) and the International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (isswsh.org) are good resources for finding certified providers in your region.

The key is to look for therapists certified by their national sexual health organizations, not just general psychology boards.

The Red Flags: When to Walk Away Immediately

This is so important. Spotting a bad fit early saves you time, money, and emotional energy.

Here are the big red flags to walk away from:

The deeper truth is this: a good therapist makes you feel both safe and gently challenged. A bad fit usually feels unsafe, slimy, or way too easy.

What If You're Not Ready (Or Can't Afford It)?

Sometimes the biggest barrier isn't finding a therapist—it's figuring out what you even want to talk about. Or maybe the cost or vulnerability just feels like too much right now. That's completely okay.

This is where a tool like Lilac can be a brilliant first step. Think of it as a dress rehearsal before you step on stage. It's a place to:

• Build the language for your needs and boundaries.
• Get clarity on what's a common experience versus what might need professional support.
• Try out practical skills and exercises before investing in therapy.
• Ultimately, learn how to articulate "here's what I want help with" to any future therapist you see.

Other great stepping-stones include:

• Books and exercises. (More on this below!)
• Group workshops, which are often more affordable than individual sessions.
• Sliding-scale therapists, who offer reduced rates based on income.

You don't need to arrive at a therapist's office perfectly prepared. But having some language for your experience makes that first session infinitely more valuable.

Your Sex-Positive Reading List

If you want to start exploring on your own, these books are transformative. They are the must-reads I recommend to almost everyone.

1. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. This is the one. If you read nothing else, read this. It's a science-based, shame-free, and practical guide to how desire actually works (spoiler: it's not like the movies). Revolutionary for understanding your own arousal patterns.
2. Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Essential for anyone in a long-term relationship who feels stuck between love and lust. It unpacks why desire can fade and how to resurrect it.
3. The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides. A comprehensive, funny, and inclusive sex manual that doesn't make you cringe. It covers everything.
4. She Comes First by Ian Kerner. Despite the gendered title, it's an excellent, evidence-based guide for anyone wanting to better understand female anatomy and pleasure.
5. Speak for Yourself by Anne Hodder-Shipp. A book of clear scripts to help you have those awkward but essential conversations about boundaries, desires, and needs.

Start with Come As You Are. It's the foundation.

Finding Your Perfect Match: Practical Tips from Real People

Over time, I've heard some brilliant "lifehacks" from people who successfully found their perfect therapist or coach. Here are the best ones:

• The "Trial Conversation" Trick. Call 3-4 potential therapists and ask them all the same question: "How would you handle a client who feels shame about [insert your thing]?" Listen for genuine curiosity versus a clinical script. The right one will sound interested, not rehearsed.
• The "Friend Test." During the consultation, ask yourself: Could I tell this person the most embarrassing thing about my sex life? If your gut screams no, keep looking. Chemistry can matter more than a perfect resume.
• The "Awkward Test." Intentionally use explicit language during the consultation. Say "orgasm," "penetration," or whatever words feel a bit charged for you. If they flinch or change the subject, they aren't the one. Your person should meet explicit language with calm curiosity.
• The "Homework Preview." Ask what kind of exercises or "homework" they typically suggest. Good ones will give specific examples like communication practices or guided reading, not just a vague "we'll see what comes up."
• The Final Gut Check. After your first session, notice if you find yourself thinking about what you want to bring up next time. That's a powerful sign. It means you've found someone who makes you feel safe enough to continue opening up, even when they're not in the room.

One woman told me she knew she'd found her person when, after she shared something vulnerable, the therapist simply said, "That's such a human experience," instead of, "That must be so hard."

That's what you're looking for. Not pity, not a diagnosis. Just a safe space to be human.