Psychosexual Therapy Exercises at Home: A Step-by-Step Guide to Kegels

Let's talk about Kegels.

And let's give them their proper due, without turning your pelvic floor into a 24/7 clenched jaw. It's a common trap to fall into. You hear "do your Kegels!" and suddenly you're trying to hold a permanent squeeze at your desk, in the car, while you're making dinner...

Kegels are simply the contract-and-lift part of pelvic floor training. They're useful. They're important. And they are so often overdone. Think of them like bicep curls. They're fantastic when you need to build strength, but they're pretty unhelpful if you're trying to walk around with your arms tensed all day long. The same goes for your pelvic floor. Constant tension isn't the goal.

First, A Quick Pelvic Floor 101

Before we dive into the exercises, let's get on the same page about what we're even working with. Picture your pelvic floor as a supportive, flexible hammock or sling made of muscles. It stretches from your pubic bone at the front to your tailbone at the back.

This muscular hammock is doing a lot of unsung work. It supports your internal organs (like your bladder and uterus), helps you control the flow of pee, poop, and gas, plays a central role in sexual arousal and orgasm, and helps stabilize your entire core. For it to do all of those jobs well, it needs two things in equal measure: Strength (this is where Kegels come in), and Relaxation and length (this is what we call down-training).

A healthy muscle is one that can contract strongly, but also release completely.

How Do I Know If Kegels Will Help Me?

This is a great question. Strengthening isn't for everyone, especially not right away. You might benefit from this kind of strength work if you've been noticing:

You might benefit if you notice:

A little bit of leaking when you cough, sneeze, laugh, or jump
Those sudden, 'I can't hold it' sprints to the bathroom
A feeling of heaviness down below, especially at the end of a long day on your feet
Orgasm that feels like it's right there but just kind of peters out—almost like the muscles can't quite get the final pop or contraction

Important pause: If you experience pelvic pain, a burning sensation with penetration, have difficulty inserting tampons or sex toys, deal with chronic constipation from straining, or know you have a history of clenching your pelvic floor when you're stressed—I want you to start very gently and prioritize relaxation training first. Trying to layer Kegels on top of existing tension can sometimes make things worse.

How to Find a True Kegel (Without Squeezing Your Butt)

The goal here is precision, not raw power. We're looking for an isolated, internal movement.

Your setup: You can lie on your back with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor. Or, you can sit tall on the front edge of a chair, with your feet planted. Place one hand on your low ribs and the other on your lower belly, just to keep yourself honest.

Start with your breath. Take a gentle inhale, and then let it go with a soft exhale through your mouth, like you're fogging up a mirror.
Find the lift. During that exhale, imagine you are gently sipping a single blueberry up through the vaginal opening. For those with a penis, imagine you are gently drawing the base of the penis and the space between your testicles and anus (the perineum) up and in. It's a tiny internal lift.
Check your neighbors. Keep your glutes, inner thighs, and abs quiet. Your hands shouldn't feel your stomach pooching out or your butt clenching. Nothing big should be happening on the outside.
Inhale and fully release. This is the most important part. As you breathe in, picture yourself setting that blueberry all the way back down. Don't just lower it halfway—let it go completely. No 'hovering.'

If you feel any pressure pushing down into your perineum or rectum, that's a sign you're bearing down instead of lifting up. If that happens, just lighten your effort by about 50% and really focus on syncing that tiny lift with a gentle exhale.

Two Simple Routines to Try at Home

Once you feel confident you've found that clean lift-and-release, you can begin to train it. Here are two simple routines.

1. Quick Flicks (For Speed and Coordination)

These are for building the reflexive strength you need in those 'oh no, I'm about to sneeze' moments. They also help with the rhythm of orgasm.

Perform 10 repetitions: On an exhale, do a 1-second lift. Then, on your inhale, take 2–3 seconds to fully release.
Rest for 30 seconds.
Complete 1–2 sets in total.

2. Endurance Holds (For Staying Power)

These build the support you need for longer activities like walking, working out, or during penetrative sex without the muscles getting fatigued.

Perform 5–8 repetitions: On an exhale, lift and hold for 5–8 seconds while you continue to breathe quietly. Then, fully release for the same amount of time you held the contraction.
Rest for 30–60 seconds between each rep.
Complete 1 set in total.

How often should I do these? Start with 5 days a week for the first 3–4 weeks to build a connection. After that, you can maintain your strength with 3 days a week. Remember, more isn't better here. Cleaner is better.

How to Progress Without Guessing

How do you know it's working? You can track your progress by making things a little more challenging.

Change your position: Once you've mastered the exercises lying down, try them while seated. Then standing. Eventually, you can try to integrate them into daily life, like doing a gentle lift as you pick up a bag of groceries.
Cue a cough: Try doing a 'quick flick' just before you intentionally cough or clear your throat. This is a functional skill called 'the Knack,' and it trains your body to pre-emptively support itself.
Use feedback: A small hand mirror placed so you can see your perineum can show you a subtle inward lift. Or, with clean hands, you can place a fingertip just at the vaginal entrance. You should feel a gentle 'hug and lift' on your finger, followed by a very clear 'melt' away on the release.

Common Mistakes We All Make (and How to Fix Them)

Squeezing your butt or abs: If your cheeks or six-pack are doing all the work, your pelvic floor probably isn't. Shrink your effort down to just 20% and focus on that internal lift.

Holding your breath: This is so common. It creates downward pressure, which is the opposite of what we want. Always, always pair the lift with an exhale.

Hovering at 20% all day: Some people end up with a low-grade clench that they hold all day long. This just creates tension and steals blood flow and comfort. The pattern is: train, then let it go.

Pushing down: Does it feel like you're trying to pass gas or have a bowel movement? That's a bear-down, not a lift. Lighten up and think 'zip up and in' on the exhale.

Feeling pain with Kegels: Stop. Pain is your body's request for a different approach. Switch your focus to release work. If pain persists, connect with a pelvic floor physical therapist.

Let's Talk About Sex and Kegels

So, how does this translate to the bedroom? Strategically.

For those with vulvas: During arousal, try playing with 3–5 gentle, quick flicks around the vaginal entrance. Then, follow it with a complete and total melt. That pulse-and-release can sharpen sensation and help a climax really land with more definition.

For those with penises: Rhythmic, gentle lifts can help with rigidity and ejaculatory control. But the real magic is in the full release afterward. This allows arousal to build without tipping over into a tense clench, which can rush things along.

If you find that any of this ramps up pain or actually numbs pleasure, it's a sign you're likely over-recruiting or holding tension. Ease off, and let's focus on the other half of the equation.

The Balance Your Body Actually Needs

Kegels build the curl. They create strength and tone.

But to feel supple, responsive, and truly comfortable—in sex and in daily life—you also need the uncurl. You need the softening, the release, the part that tells your nervous system 'we're safe here.' A muscle that can't let go is a tired, tight, and often unhappy muscle.

Strength is only half the story.

Next up, we'll explore the other half of pelvic floor training. We'll learn how to do Pelvic Floor Down-Training using Diaphragmatic Breathing, so your muscles know how to let go just as well as they know how to lift. That's where you'll find a new level of ease, comfort, and deeper pleasure.

Kegels: Pelvic Floor Training