Beyond Kegels: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Pelvic Floor Relaxation (Down-Training)

Hey. I'm so glad you asked for this one.

In our last chat, we talked all about Kegels—the contract-and-lift, the muscle curl. It's the strengthening part of the equation, and it's important.

But it's only half the story.

If Kegels are the curl, then pelvic floor down-training is the exhale and uncurl. It's the let-go. The softening. It's the physical sigh of relief that says, 'I don't have to hold everything up and in right now.' Today, we're going to pair two simple but powerful skills—diaphragmatic (or 360°) breathing and a gentle pelvic drop (sometimes called a reverse Kegel).

What Does "Down-Training" Actually Mean?

It sounds a bit technical, I know. But in plain English, it's about helping your muscles remember how to fully relax.

Your pelvic floor is that hammock of muscles stretching from your pubic bone to your tailbone. When stress is high (or sex is painful, or you're just bracing against the world without even realizing it), those muscles can start to live in a state of being a little bit 'on.' Think of it like a fist that never quite unfurls. Down-training is what helps that fist gently open, finger by finger.

It works with your body's natural mechanics:

On your inhale: your diaphragm (your main breathing muscle) drops down, your ribs widen to the sides and back, your belly softens—and your pelvic floor naturally lengthens and descends along with it.
On your exhale: everything gently recoils back to its neutral starting point. It's not a squeeze, just a natural return.

We are not pushing or bearing down here. Not at all. We are simply learning the felt sense of soft, down, and open—and letting our breath do most of the work.

Who Does This Kind of Relaxation Help?

This practice is the foundation for so many people, especially if you find yourself nodding along to any of these:

You clench your abs, butt, or jaw when you're stressed (that invisible bracing is a full-body habit)
You experience penetrative pain, burning, or a sense of 'guarding' (whether that's in the vulva, vagina, perineum, or anus)
You deal with urinary urgency or frequency, a post-ejaculatory ache, or prostatitis-like tension
You notice you lose erections or arousal when you get tense and start 'trying harder'
You do lots of Kegels but rarely feel relaxed, open, or grounded afterward

Gentle note: If you're dealing with acute pain, have had recent surgery, or have symptoms of prolapse, please keep the effort feather-light. It's always wise to consider looping in a pelvic floor physical therapist for a diagnosis. We coach here; we don't diagnose.

The Core Drill: A 5-Minute Practice for Pelvic Ease

Find a comfortable and private space. Let's begin.

First, choose your setup (pick one):

On your back, with your knees bent, feet wide, and letting your knees rest together
In a child's pose, with your belly resting on your thighs
In a supported deep squat, sitting on yoga blocks or a sturdy stack of books
Lying on your side with a pillow between your knees

Hand placement: Place one hand on your low ribs and the other over your lower belly or inner thighs. This gives your brain some feedback.

Tempo: We're aiming for an inhale of about 4–5 seconds and an exhale of 6–8 seconds. Longer exhales gently nudge your nervous system toward 'rest and digest' mode. The key is no breath-holding. Smooth and easy.

Step-by-Step Guide

ARRIVE (30 seconds): Before you do anything else, just arrive. Notice three places in your body where you might be gripping—maybe it's your jaw, your abs, your shoulders. Now, consciously soften each of those spots by just 10%. That's it. Good enough.

360° INHALE (4–5 sec): Begin to breathe 'wide' into your low ribs and back, right into your hand. Let your belly be soft and allow it to rise. Imagine you're filling a low, round tire around your waist.

PELVIC DROP (during that inhale): As you inhale, introduce a quiet internal cue. Think: melt the sit bones apart … bloom at the perineum … drop the tampon string... soften the anus. This should feel like 10–20% effort. It's more like allowing a release than doing an action.

SOFT EXHALE (6–8 sec): Just let the air leave your body. Feel your ribs fall and your pelvic floor float back toward neutral. Keep your belly quiet—no sucking in or tightening.

PAUSE (1–2 breaths): In the space between cycles, just notice. Is there any shift in tone? A sense of warmth? Then, when you're ready, repeat.

Aim for 6–10 cycles. If you find your mind wandering (which it will, because you're human), gently guide your attention back to one physical sensation—the feeling of your ribs expanding, the warmth at your perineum, or the simple weight of your pelvis on the floor.

Helpful Cues for Releasing the Pelvic Floor

Sometimes the direct cues don't click. That's okay. Imagery can be incredibly powerful. See if one of these lands for you:

Imagine warm honey pouring from your pelvis down toward your tailbone
Picture a flower opening on the inhale, and just resting on the exhale
Let my sit bones smile apart a little
For people with penises: Let the base of the penis and the perineum widen and soften as you inhale
For people with vulvas: Gently widen at the vaginal opening on the inhale—like you're releasing a drawstring

Important: No bearing down. If you feel pressure in your rectum, you're pushing. Decrease your effort by half and make it softer.

Quick Check: How Do I Know If It's Working?

This is subtle work. Before you start your practice, take a moment to rate your sense of pelvic tension on a scale of 0–10 (where 0 is as loose and relaxed as a sleeping cat, and 10 is a vise-grip).

After just 2 minutes of the breathing drill, re-rate it. You're looking for a 1–3 point drop. Small changes are big wins here. They count.

You can also try resting a fingertip (with clean hands) on the perineum (the external skin between the anus and genitals). You might be able to feel a very subtle downward movement on your inhale and a gentle upward recoil on your exhale. If you can't feel it yet, that is completely common. Keep the cues delicate and give it a week of practice.

How to Progress Your Practice (Weeks 1–4)

Week 1: Practice for 5 minutes daily in whichever position feels easiest for you. Note your tension score before and after.

Week 2: Add a second mini-session (just 2–3 minutes) sometime in your day—maybe after you finish work or right before bed.

Week 3: Begin to practice in a less supported position, like sitting in a chair, and then standing.

Week 4: Start to sprinkle in 'two-breath resets' whenever you notice tension creeping in—before intimacy, during foreplay, or any time you catch yourself guarding.

Most people notice the first real, tangible shift by weeks 2 or 3. It might show up as less background clenching, arousal that feels easier to access, or fewer of those 'brace and chase' moments during sex.

Adding Gentle Pelvic Mobility (Optional)

Once you feel comfortable with the breathwork, you can try adding one of these gentle movements between your breathing cycles.

Tail wag (on hands and knees): A tiny, slow side-to-side sway of your sit bones.
Pelvic clocks (lying on your back): Imagine your pelvis is the face of a clock. Slowly roll your pelvis toward 12 o'clock (your belly button), then 6 o'clock (your tailbone), then 3 and 9.
Adductor melt (lying down): Squeeze a pillow lightly between your knees on an exhale, and then fully, completely release on the inhale. The emphasis is on the release.

If any of these movements increase pain or pressure, simply skip them.

A Mini-Script for Intimacy

When you're with a partner (or yourself) and you notice tension, guarding, or a fear of pain creeping in, try this:

Pause. Slow your hands or your movement to a near stop.
Breathe. Take two soft inhales using your favorite relaxation cue ('sit bones soften apart').
Notice. Name one simple, neutral sensation out loud: 'My skin feels warm right here.'
Decide. From this calmer place, you can decide what's next. Do you want to stay with gentle touch? Change the angle? Or switch to non-penetrative play? Curiosity first, goals later.

This tiny reset can be the difference between a moment that feels like a mental test and one that stays connected and intimate.

Troubleshooting Common Sticking Points

"I feel more pressure when I inhale."
You're likely pushing. Back off your effort by half. Try a shorter inhale and a longer, slower exhale. Moving into child's pose, where your belly can truly drop toward the floor, can also be very helpful.

"I keep clenching my abs!"
This is so normal. Our culture has trained us to suck it in. Put a hand on your belly and give yourself explicit permission to let it rise and be soft. You're retraining a reflex, not posing for a picture.

"I can't feel anything."
Also completely normal, especially at first. The connection can be faint. Use imagery and tactile anchors—like a warm pack on your low belly, a fingertip on your perineum, or just the feeling of your hand on your inner thigh—to help amplify the subtle sensations.

"I have prolapse symptoms."
Keep your cues micro. Think 'soft and wide,' not 'push or bear down.' If your symptoms flare up, stop and consult a pelvic PT.

"I already do lots of Kegels."
That's great—now you have the secret to balancing them. For every set of Kegels you do, spend an equal (or even greater) amount of time on this down-training. This is how your system learns its full range, not just how to squeeze.

The Big Reframe

You are not trying to force your body to relax. You can't bully yourself into softness.

Instead, you are patiently teaching your body a new normal. You are showing it that breath can move freely, the pelvic floor can follow, and pleasure can have more room to exist. Anxiety might be in the passenger seat—that's okay—but you can let curiosity be the one with its hands on the wheel.

Give this 5 minutes a day for the next two weeks. See what you notice.

And if you want help tailoring this practice to your unique body, your history, and your bedroom, that's exactly what I'm here for.

Pelvic Floor Down-Training (Relaxation)